It’s Been A While …

So I’ve had a week off work and been running around like an idiot. This is the first chance I’ve had to sit down and write.

Went out socialising for the first time in ages on Friday night. I don’t know why but I’m just not a big drinker, I tried to gear myself up for a good ol’ sesh on the cocktails but I managed a measly 1 1/2 “woo-woos” :/

I always feel awkward going out in large groups as well, I sat nursing my drink watching the others get progressively drunk and it made me feel like the outsider yet again. I haven’t really been able to “bond” that well with this group of people, I don’t know why but I just get the impression I’m treated with polite indifference and not much else.

Sometimes I regret my choice in career, it has lost me friends before. It’s almost as if people see the job instead of the person or they presume that you are “straight laced”, it’s not true though.

My job gives me an excellent facade however that some people are unable to master, I’ve become extremely adept at hiding my shyness, my insecurities and sometimes solitude with a thin smiling and confident veneer when the truth is, I’m not confident, I lack a lot of social skills and constantly feel like the fat ugly frump in the corner.

Friday night was no different, even though I had the comfort of my husband, I still felt like the loser from school. I was about to type “It’s probably just me being silly” but I don’t believe that, so what’s the point in writing this journal if it isn’t the truth?

I would love to be the outgoing sort and be able to mingle with others, but I’ve struggled all my life with being able to drum up the vivacity or spontaneity needed.

I guess it’s the reason why I have so few friends, I come across as anti-social or grumpy. I’m not really.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore and love the friends that I have, but they are few and far between. I was thinking back to my lame hen weekend, only two people came to the murder mystery do. One of those I don’t really know that well!I had a few drinks around town as well, but again, it seemed like some of them were there out of politeness or felt sorry for me.

In the great scheme of things, my insecurities are nothing, I know that, however some days they really get me down.

Back to Friday night, it was lovely seeing everyone and I can’t remember the last time so many of this group were out together. I think I need to make more of an effort with the girls though, I’ve been around them for nearly 5 years and I haven’t made much progress. I see how well they all bond together and I feel like the outsider still, I seem to get on better with the men. I think it’s because men are very straight forward and to use a Bridget jones phrase – they aren’t “jellyfish” (look pretty but sting you when you least expect it).

So, I need to work at confidence issues and address my lack of friends – Goal to be added to the list.

Moving on to Saturday – Got up early, left the Travelodge in MK and went straight to Ikea, we were pretty pressed for time as we had plans to meet friends in Leicester. We ran around and grabbed the bits I wanted for our revamped dining room.

Got to Leicester, started on the DIY, I love DIY. I love the feeling of achievement at making something look nice. This weekend we worked on the utlity room and it looks top notch. Being the perfectionist that I am, it was disappointing not being able to finish off some pipework or silicone the sink in place, but overall, the Mr and I did good! Happy faces all around!

Got home Sunday night and relaxed, had a long text conversation with a friend and hopefully gave them some sound relationship advice. This couple are both fantastic people and I can’t imagine them apart – If you read this guys – sort it out!

Monday was a home chilling day, we built the Ikea furniture and I can’t believe how lovely our dining room is looking. End of May we will hopefully get the table and chairs, can’t wait! A proper dining area FINALLY! Means we can get “Risk” and “Settlers of Catan” down and play some games! I miss my Monday night gaming, I have all my games in the wardrobe, Cheapass Games, Legend of the Five Rings, D&D, Call of Cthulhu etc etc … Geeky, I know!

I’ll post some pics of the dining room up here when I can.

Today I’m back at work, haven’t missed much in the last week. Everyone commented on my hair cut which was a nice boost.

I don’t think I have anything else to write, have got most of it off my chest for now.


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