Changes

I didn’t intend to write a blog post today, but sometimes when the urge comes, you just have to go with it. A lot of you are on my Facebook and you’ll see how much I bombard people with pictures of Logan. I can’t help it. Every moment I look at him I swell with pride and love. I want to show him off to the world and shout ‘see, this is what we made! In spite of everything, we made this perfect little boy’.

IVF isn’t an easy ride. I find it difficult to put into words just how draining it is. I felt like half a woman before having Logan. My body unable to create what nature intended. I’m not the ‘mother earth’ type, but as the years went by, I lost so much confidence in not only my physical self, but my mental self too. If I was unable to do this, what else would I fail at? I filled my days with goals and achievements and looked to help anyone who needed it. I wanted to be useful, to validate myself in a way. You all know I’ve suffered with confidence issues and low self-esteem, and I’ve blogged about reasons why so I won’t go over them, but for me, being a family was something that I wanted, and I wasn’t able.

Logan arriving made me realise I wasn’t a failure. My priorities shifted and my eyes are on him. The love for a child is so very different to the love for a partner. Yes it’s unconditional, but there’s more to it than that. They consume your every thought. They’re the first thing you think of when you wake, and the last before you sleep. They make you question everything. You find yourself thinking of things and ways to bring pleasure to their little lives (even though you are their world and just a smile from you will be enough).

I do still get sad though. I see him changing every day and I worry he’ll grow up too quickly, that he won’t be my baby for much longer, that he won’t need me and I’ll become redundant. Then I have to remind myself that he’ll always be my baby and always need me, just as I’ll always need him. And so I savour every moment with him and take as many photos and videos as I can, so that when we’re older, we can remind ourselves of this magical time. Instead of looking back and crying that the first 9 weeks have gone so quickly, I need to look forward at all the weeks, months and years to come and how we’ll all learn and grow together as a family. Kindness above all else. My baby will become my little boy, and one day an adult with a family of his own. I hope our values are passed down to the next generation.

One of the stupidest and yet most hurtful things ever said was that my son doesn’t have a soul because he was created with the help of science. The person who said it isn’t worth mentioning, but let me just say this: my son *was* created with the help of science, and whether you believe in souls or divinity aside, he is perfect in every way. He represents the strength of love, of our relationship and shared goals and dreams, and of never giving up and working together and keeping your faith and belief that one day, it will be all right.

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