Frazzled

2 posts in 2 days, aren’t you all lucky…

Truth is, I wanted to write this yesterday but I was too tired. I’m actually exhausted at the moment. I wake up tired, I go to work tired, I come home tired and so on. Logan is (thankfully) improving with his sleep, but he does still wake 2/3 times a night at least 4 times a week. He doesn’t want John at night, either. He wants mummy. It is shattering.

This is the sort of tiredness that turns my head to porridge. I find it hard to talk, to function, and I forget things. It’s thick and clogging and I feel stupid and frustrated.

This isn’t the sort of tiredness that comes just from lack of sleep; this is the tiredness that comes from my thyroid as well. I’ve struggled to get my levels right in nearly 17 years and when you add this to my other issues, I just want to scream.

Someone please cut me a break?

Progress!

After my last blog about my VVS returning, I’ve now¬†seen the specialist at the JR Hospital. Last Friday I saw an amazing consultant at the pelvic pain clinic and spent almost 90 minutes in consultation with her. I’ve suffered with this problem for nearly a decade and if I’m honest, I’m very close to cracking. I can’t really hold it together much more.

For those who don’t know what VVS is, it is vulvar vestibulitis – localised pain that burns and stings when any pressure is applied. The pain will last hours and drives you to distraction. I can be walking, sitting, going to the toilet, anything that might cause contact and then the agony starts. It has led to vaginismus and an extremely unhappy relationship with my vagina. I don’t much like my body on the best of days, and this just further cements my hatred and disgust at myself.

The consultant asked about my history and was impressed with all the treatments I’ve tried and paid for myself. She asked about my family relationships and about my posture and other health complaints. At the end, we agreed a course of Amitriptyline (10mg) tablets at night, physio and counselling.

Amitriptyline in a low dose helps deaden nerve endings and studies have shown it can work with sufferers of vulvodynia and VVS. To me, it definitely seems worth a shot. In the past, I went straight from lidocaine gels to surgery (as it was *that* bad), but this time I want to try everything else before further cutting around.

The physio is to help my posture, my breathing techniques and work at having my body accept a penis without clamping down. I have a twisted back and hips, so this should help.

The counselling is to help my current anxiety levels, help address past relationships with family and to address issues surrounding sex that have arisen during the last decade. We touched briefly on the past and the consultant feels that given how I take a lot on my shoulders and help a lot of people, it could be some sort of stress that’s manifesting itself physically. This makes sense to me, and as I told her, I’m happy to try absolutely anything.

So today I picked up my first prescription of Amitriptyline and I start tonight. The physio and counselling will take 6-8 weeks to start, but that’s fine. I can deal with that. I feel quite positive about getting these issues sorted. I cannot go another decade with no sex. Neither can John. It’s just unfair and cruel.

 

TL;DR I’ve effectively got an anti-depressant and therapy¬†for my vagina. I have a sad vagina.