Sigh

I’m feeling lonely at the moment. I don’t know why, but it’s hitting me hard. This happens about twice a year and I end up wishing that I had close friends. I try my hardest for people and yet I end up feeling like people just ‘put up with me’ and that they don’t really like me.
I have some lovely friends via writing and Grimbold, but again, because I run the company I feel like sometimes their kindness is because I’m ‘boss’ and not because I’m ‘me’ – does that make sense? I have no idea if it’s rational or not, it’s just something that gets to me.

When it does get to me, I find that I’m flooded with sadness and lethargy. I can’t find the drive for anything and a heavy cloud smothers me. I’ve posted before about this and my anxiety at making friends and keeping them. I think I cope better now than I did a few years ago, but it still almost cripples me. I just want someone that I can meet up with, maybe go out for a coffee or a pub meal with, and just feel like they’ve got my back and I’ve got theirs. I want a best friend and I want to be someone’s best friend (family and husband excluded).

It doesn’t help that I’ve had the date through to start counselling at the hospital for my medical issues. The consultant honed in on my past relationships and family mechanics and since she did, I’ve found it playing on my mind quite a bit. I never considered a lot of things that she raised as being potential triggers, and a small part of me scoffed and scorned at it, but it does make sense…maybe…perhaps.

I’m off to bed now. Maybe I’ll feel better in a few day’s time.

 

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2 responses

  1. Sweetie, I know exactly how you feel, I’m in exactly the same boat myself. I had a best friend from college, Jo, a friendship for over twenty years that ended in 2014 when I eventually took off my rose tinted glasses. I have another ‘best friend’ Heather, who I love dearly and I’m godmother to her first child, but she’s always very busy and lives in Herefordshire about an hour and a half away. We see each other about once a year, in fact I’m driving over there next week, but we hardly ever contact each other from month to month, so as much as I love her and the kids, I couldn’t honestly say we’re close. Other than that, I have lots of writing friends, like you, mostly through authonomy or Grimbold, like you, but that’s it. We don’t meet up for coffee, we don’t see each other often. I adore my fellow Grimmies and do feel a real friendship connection to them, I think there are genuine caring, sharing friendships there but it’s fitting friendships around everyone’s busy and separate lives that’s the trick.

    As for you honey, I love you but you’re insane (like me granted), yes you’re ‘the boss’, but I can honestly tell you that I see you as my dear friend first, second and third and ‘boss’ about fourth (lol, maybe that should be nearer to the top of the list but we’re both softies). People like you for YOU, your naughty sense of humour, your playful and sarcastic one-liners, your openness and generosity of spirit and above all, your friendship. You are a good, decent, caring person and people see that immediately. We love you Sammy for you, not for anything else. If we lived nearer to each other, there is genuinely nothing I’d love better than to just hang out with you every week, go for a coffee and natter, chill on each other’s couches, moan about men, play with Loggies, watch movies under a duvet on the sofa while poor John has to fetch the popcorn! Lol. I get that feeling of isolation and disconnection from people, I’ve felt that most of my life. I think it comes from feeling that we have to be strong, because we’ve both been through shit in out lives, and sometimes that strength can distance people or become a barrier to us opening up and being close to someone. I do get it honey, you are NOT alone I promise.

    Just know kiddo, that I am here for you. Anytime you want to chat just pick up the phone or FB message me. Honestly. And if you ever need someone to watch your back, you know I’d be there in person, Banbury or not, I’d be up there like a shot. ❤

    Sending big ((hugs)) to a fellow cat/lone wolfie. xxxxx

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