I’m feeling lonely at the moment. I don’t know why, but it’s hitting me hard. This happens about twice a year and I end up wishing that I had close friends. I try my hardest for people and yet I end up feeling like people just ‘put up with me’ and that they don’t really like me.
I have some lovely friends via writing and Grimbold, but again, because I run the company I feel like sometimes their kindness is because I’m ‘boss’ and not because I’m ‘me’ – does that make sense? I have no idea if it’s rational or not, it’s just something that gets to me.
When it does get to me, I find that I’m flooded with sadness and lethargy. I can’t find the drive for anything and a heavy cloud smothers me. I’ve posted before about this and my anxiety at making friends and keeping them. I think I cope better now than I did a few years ago, but it still almost cripples me. I just want someone that I can meet up with, maybe go out for a coffee or a pub meal with, and just feel like they’ve got my back and I’ve got theirs. I want a best friend and I want to be someone’s best friend (family and husband excluded).
It doesn’t help that I’ve had the date through to start counselling at the hospital for my medical issues. The consultant honed in on my past relationships and family mechanics and since she did, I’ve found it playing on my mind quite a bit. I never considered a lot of things that she raised as being potential triggers, and a small part of me scoffed and scorned at it, but it does make sense…maybe…perhaps.
I’m off to bed now. Maybe I’ll feel better in a few day’s time.