I am a star. I can shine brightly in a sky full of all you other stars and we don’t have to compete with one another because there’s enough room for us all. It’s ok that there’s darkness and cloud sometimes. It’s normal.
I just have to keep reminding myself of this, because right now I’m feeling dull and empty. I feel inadequate and useless and second rate in everything I do. Everyone is brighter than me right now.
I’m so tired and drained. This month has been just a write off. It started badly with my computer dying and so I fell even further behind with work and then I got ill and have had trouble shifting the malaise and mood. I’ve gone to bed between 8/9pm every night and just laid there wishing for more time, for more energy, for more enthusiasm but none of it seems to be coming.
I’m fed up of moaning but today I saw a video that really helped. It’s the difference between empathy and sympathy and it clicked. I’ve had a couple of people message and to me, all I read is sympathy and it grates. I hate it. I hate sympathy. I don’t want sympathy or a positive bullshit meme phrase/saying, or a cliched super positive peppy cheerleader comment. I want someone who understands what I’m feeling and, I dunno, just makes me feel less like a failure – cos that’s what I’m feeling right now.
I’m failing my friends by not being there. I’m failing my writers by being slow to reply. I’m failing myself by not having the energy to write or edit. I’m failing my husband by being so tired and exhausted and not being there. The only person who I’m not failing is Logan and that’s because I’m giving him everything I have, which right now isn’t a lot, but I’m trying.
Monday I’m back at both the Churchill and JR hospital, so I’m hoping that my physio and counselling will help re-align my mindset. I have a blood test next Friday to see if my low mood and fatigue is down to my thyroid (which is very possible and a side effect of my condition). I hope it is as it’s then an easy fix.
Here’s the video I saw.