This is different to my normal posts. I usually like to ramble on about films, books, quotes and/or friends. This evening however, I got home from work and instead of burying my head in a book, or writing, or studying, or faffing around on the internet, I actually sat and thought about those that I hold dear and close to me.
And the reasons why.
Now, people who meet me often think I can come across as brash, argumentative, judgemental and opinionated. Sometimes, they’re not wrong. I can be all these things. I can be the biggest bitch in the world. I can be two-faced. I can be nasty and feed off rumours and gossip. (I’ll stress here. I do not and will not ever LIE about anyone. )
I’m not going to lie. Why bother? We’re all capable of the above negative traits, and, 99% of us have displayed them at one time or another. Anyone who sits there and says “I’ve not. I’ve never gossiped about someone, bad mouthed them or spread a rumour” – is LYING.
Why though? Why do we behave this way?
Don’t worry – this isn’t going to become a philosophical debate on society, human interaction, understanding and such. I’m merely asking the question “why?” And then putting across my thoughts:-
I am an insecure person. I’ve said it before, I’m saying it again. Confidence, assertiveness, thick skin and faith in my abilities are qualities that I am simply missing. (Most likely washed away during my hideous time at secondary school.) And as such – I can be an emotional fucktard at times.
So, when I lack the above I make up for it with attempting to ingratiate myself with others in any way that I can. Sometimes that involves gossiping and bitching, but most of the time it involves being the ear, the shoulder or the bottomless wallet (I’m looking at my brothers!!) for those that want or need me. I like being wanted, feeling needed and helping. It gives me a buzz. It makes me feel like I actually have a place in society, and a purpose.
(Until I get stabbed in the back, used and then ignored in every conceivable way when someone prettier and “more fun” comes along – FYI – just because I’m quiet and don’t like to get wasted doesn’t mean I don’t know how to have fun!)
But, so many times I’ve then thought back to how unbelievably lonely I am. Yes, I know, time to play the violins. But seriously, I have just a handful of friends (exc my husband) and even then I don’t get to speak to them as much as I’d like due to work and commitments. But these are people who have gained my trust.
Ironically, they’ve gained my trust because they haven’t behaved in the way I have in the past. They’ve stood up for me when others have hung me out to dry (and gossiped and bitched and some outright LIED about me) and they’ve even fought in corners when no-one else would. They’ve spent hours listening to my fears, my issues and rants (sometimes, although rarely to the early hours of the morning!) and when I’m down and simply crying out for a bit of TLC – they’ve been there. They just know what to say, when to say it and how to say it.
They know I bitch and moan; I know they bitch and moan – but it doesn’t matter. Why? Because they’ve shown me that they care. It’s that unspoken rule that only “real friends” understand.
We’re not perfect creatures.
Gaining trust: that was the title. How’s it done? Answer: with difficulty. If it was easy, we wouldn’t get the pleasure out of those special friendships that we do.
But try and remember the golden rule: don’t act like a cock. And if you do, and if that friendship isn’t meant to be (because you simply can’t help but bitch, moan, spread rumours etc), at least have the decency to admit you’ve been an idiot to yourself.
Some things are never meant to be; but those that are should be cherished.