‘She Shares WHAT?!’

I realise that I share a lot of personal information on this blog, and that it’s quite easy to track me down and find me in ‘real life’ (and not just the social media world). This is perhaps a massive boo-boo on my part. I should, after all, be more savvy about security and so on…but the purpose of this blog was not only to offload some ramblings in my head, but to make people aware of often unspoken medical conditions. It is still classed as a bit of a social taboo to discuss your sex life, issues surrounding your vagina or penis, and your sexual health in general; quite often people keep quiet and suffer for years and years without seeking help or talking to someone about it. I’ve been there, and it took me so long to get help that I’ve genuinely forgotten how many years: 7? 8? I don’t know. I grew up in a house where menstration was never discussed, sex was a no-no, physical affection was null and void, and my parents displayed a ‘holier than thou’ persona (completely hypocritically I should add). It was stifing and crippling, and it left me unable to verbalise my issues for many, many years. I credit my husband with teaching me how to open up. He had the patience and understanding to realise that I wasn’t a cold, stone-hearted cow – quite the opposite…but I was too afraid to show him my emotions/thoughts/feelings, because for years they had been viewed as weaknesses.
Stop crying, you fucking baby.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Grow up.

When I first started sharing my posts about vaginismus, LS, and VVS, I did so with a medical disclaimer. I didn’t want to offend anyone or have them think I was ‘disgusting’. With hindsight, I don’t know why I did this; there’s nothing ‘disgusting’ with sharing information, procedures, symptoms and ways to get help. I didn’t ask for these conditions,  and so why should I be ashamed? My posts came in fits and starts. 2/3 a month and then nothing for months – I didn’t want to bombard people, or have them think I was playing the victim. I was so paranoid with being viewed as a drama queen that I kept my cancer secret – even from my husband – until I received the news that it was treatable. It was so paradoxical to my nature to be quiet that I was lost. Family and friends mean the world to me. I felt like a liar and I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again.

Over the next few months I’ll be sharing a lot more information on these subjects (along with my IVF journey and usual ramblings). I do so because it helps. It helps me, and given the messages and emails I’ve received both publically and privately, I know that it has helped other people get the help and treatment they deserve. I’ve been asked today by someone: ‘but why do you want people to know?’ and that’s a good question. For all the reasons above. Infertility is painful and historically, it’s private and spoken about in hushed tones. There are support networks out there and the internet is a fabulous place for connecting with people who are going through the same trials as you. If I make one friend from these blog posts who feels they can talk to me about their problems – then that’s mission accomplished**.
If the treatment isn’t sucessful, then I’m not going to be blame my talking about it. I’m not superstitious and I’d rather have the support of friends and family if I’m grieving than to do so in private.

Sure I waffle, sure I add in what appears to be inconsequential crap and I make a joke of some of the procedures I’ve had done, who wouldn’t? Humour helps me heal and helps me deflect. I’ve been the butt of jokes, had nicknames and received a Secret Santa gift consisting of a needle and thread and called a ‘fanny repair kit’…and all you can do sometimes is go with the flow, because to sit back and take it all in can be overwhelming, cruel, and deeply upsetting.

I suffer with anxiety, and I even as I write this I’m strangely torn: to write this blog post highlights yet again me and my problems, and I know it would be so much simpler to just stay quiet and wade on with the stiff British upper lip. That isn’t me though. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I love to help and share.

** today I’ve been told in confidence of a friend going through IVF too, I have them in my thoughts and hope it all goes well.

Sharing and talking might not be your ‘cup of tea’, and you may disagree with it, but it works for me.

 

judgement

And…We’re Off!

thumbs upWow. Thank you so much everyone. I’m genuinely a little overwhelmed with the amount of goodwill and luck we’ve received since my post yesterday. Today was exceptionally emotional for me when I checked my Paypal and not only saw such a generous donation from a good friend (who needs throttling for his stubborness in refusing to accept it back), but the generosity of friends who I know don’t have much themselves and friends that I haven’t spoken to properly in months. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Seriously, 100x over and over.

We (people in general) take having a baby for granted, and we never really consider that there might be fertility problems along the way. It definitely came as a shock to us (especially given everything else we’ve had thrown at us) and it’s still overwhelming. I know that we can’t, and shouldn’t, pin all our hopes on one cycle. However, now’s the time to think positive and move forward. Me hanging around and procrastinating doesn’t help anyone.

Time to get this lardy bum moving and burn some fat!

This week, I’m reducing down the amount of refined sugar and caffeine in my diet – so no complex carbs and chocolate (sob) and my 50-cup-a-day habit will be whittled down to 3 or 4 and a balanced 1200 calories a day. I’ve re-started my Pregnacare vitamins (folic acid, baby!) and as the doctor suggested, increased my thyroxine 25%. Hopefully, I’ll look to get some Nescafe decaf tonight too…

Tomorrow/Friday I will order 2 weeks of Actidiet which should arrive in time for Monday. Honestly, I can’t wait to get back on it!

swimming-83676_640Oh, I’m toying with the idea of swimming again in the mornings. Last summer, every ‘work’ morning I swam before heading into the office. I’m not a good swimmer, more of a doggy paddler, but it was fun to do 20/30 lengths and feel refreshed. Problem is, Actidiet shakes are best with crushed ice and I don’t have a blender or freezer in the office, so that means making one up and drinking before swimming – probably not the best idea! I’ll have a think so and see what I can do to make it work.

…Maybe I can convince the bosses to buy aforementioned freezer and blender…hmm…

mfp

 

Remember: My food diary etc is on www.myfitnesspal.com and I can be found as SammyHKSmith

 

 I’ve added a widget to the side bar too!

Precious

Two posts in two days, but I have to write this post, I have a burning need to get out the pent up emotion.

Today, I was informed that a friend of my sister committed suicide by jumping off a multi storey car park. He was 17 years old.

Now, I didn’t know him, I recognised him from around town and I’m sure I smiled and nodded to him several times but it doesn’t stop the feeling of sadness I feel at the situation.

My heart breaks for his family, his friends and also him.

Alochol does a great many things, it lowers our inhibitions, it makes comedians of the quiet, it makes us feel good about ourselves but sometimes, with the wrong person it compounds the feelings of pain and hurt they spend so long trying to overcome or in this case, hide.

Everyone who knows me also knows that I’m not a big drinker, I never have been and never will be. I don’t blame alcohol for the tragic circumstances that took place, but without a shadow of a doubt, it didn’t help, I’m not naive enough to be wondering why a 17 year old was drinking, but I do wonder why and when society changed so drastically and allowed the young and impressionable to obtain alcohol so easily.

The buying age is set for a reason, the primary reason being health and addiction. The physical addiction to alcohol is horrendous, but then are also cases like this, where the introduction of alcohol to an already fragile mind spells disaster.

Without it, he may have gone on to commit suicide, who knows? But the manner in which he needlessly died is the big cause for concern, it wasn’t instantaneous and he would have been in a lot of pain. Alcohol blurred the line of conscious thought and reason.

I’m a big advocate for mental health services and removing the stigma surrounding those with problems, so I really do get upset when I hear about a needless loss of life such as this.

“If only” is a phrase we always use when we regret something.

If only he had someone to talk to

If only he had received help

If only he hadn’t been at the party

If only I had been there to help him …

If you ever feel that way, there is always something you can do, the Samaritans are always looking for volunteers (http://www.samaritans.org 08457 909090 ) the local mental health charities always opens their arms in support of help.

On a basic level, be there for your friends, if they are down and low – perhaps that chat you’ve been putting off might be the one they need to help pick them up?

Situations like this always press home how neglectful I’ve been of some friends in the past (you know who you are) and yes, I feel guilty.

When my sister told me about what happened, I was listening to “PRECIOUS” by DEPECHE MODE – this song was actually written for his children following the divorce to their mother, but the lyrics are so poignant that I was moved to tears.

Precious and fragile things

Need special handling

My God what have we done to You?

We always try to share

The tenderest of care

Now look what we have put You through…

Things get damaged

Things get broken

I thought we’d manage

But words left unspoken

Left us so brittle

There was so little left to give

Angels with silver wings

Shouldn’t know suffering

I wish I could take the pain for You

If God has a master plan

That only He understands

I hope it’s Your eyes He’s seeing through

Things get damaged

Things get broken

I thought we’d manage

But words left unspoken

Left us so brittle

There was so little left to give

I pray You learn to trust

Have faith in both of us

And keep room in Your heart for two

Things get damaged

Things get broken

I thought we’d manage

But words left unspoken

Left us so brittle

There was so little left to give