Gaining Trust.

This is different to my normal posts. I usually like to ramble on about films, books, quotes and/or friends. This evening however, I got home from work and instead of burying my head in a book, or writing, or studying, or faffing around on the internet, I actually sat and thought about those that I hold dear and close to me.

And the reasons why.

Now, people who meet me often think I can come across as brash, argumentative, judgemental and opinionated. Sometimes, they’re not wrong. I can be all these things. I can be the biggest bitch in the world. I can be two-faced. I can be nasty and feed off rumours and gossip. (I’ll stress here. I do not and will not ever LIE about anyone. )

I’m not going to lie. Why bother? We’re all capable of  the above negative traits, and, 99% of us have      displayed them at one time or another. Anyone who sits there and says “I’ve not. I’ve never gossiped about someone, bad mouthed them or spread a rumour” – is LYING.

Why though? Why do we behave this way?

Don’t worry – this isn’t going to become a philosophical debate on society, human interaction, understanding and such. I’m merely asking the question “why?” And then putting across my thoughts:-

I am an insecure person. I’ve said it before, I’m saying it again. Confidence, assertiveness, thick skin and faith in my abilities are qualities that I am simply missing. (Most likely washed away during my hideous time at secondary school.) And as such – I can be an emotional fucktard at times.

So, when I lack the above I make up for it with attempting to ingratiate myself with others in any way that I can. Sometimes that involves gossiping and bitching, but most of the time it involves being the ear, the shoulder or the bottomless wallet (I’m looking at my brothers!!) for those that want or need me. I like being wanted, feeling needed and helping. It gives me a buzz. It makes me feel like I actually have a place in society, and a purpose.

(Until I get stabbed in the back, used and then ignored in every conceivable way when someone prettier and “more fun” comes along – FYI – just because I’m quiet and don’t like to get wasted doesn’t mean I don’t know how to have fun!)

But, so many times I’ve then thought back to how unbelievably lonely I am. Yes, I know, time to play the violins. But seriously, I have just a handful of friends (exc my husband) and even then I don’t get to speak to them as much as I’d like due to work and commitments. But these are people who have gained my trust.

Ironically, they’ve gained my trust because they haven’t behaved in the way I have in the past. They’ve stood up for me when others have hung me out to dry (and gossiped and bitched and some outright LIED about me) and they’ve even fought in corners when no-one else would. They’ve spent hours listening to my fears, my issues and rants (sometimes, although rarely to the early hours of the morning!) and when I’m down and simply crying out for a bit of TLC – they’ve been there. They just know what to say, when to say it and how to say it.

They know I bitch and moan; I know they bitch and moan – but it doesn’t matter. Why? Because they’ve shown me that they care. It’s that unspoken rule that only “real friends” understand.

We’re not perfect creatures.


Gaining trust: that was the title. How’s it done? Answer: with difficulty. If it was easy, we wouldn’t get the pleasure out of those special friendships that we do.

But try and  remember the golden rule: don’t act like a cock. And if you do, and if that friendship isn’t meant to be (because you simply can’t help but bitch, moan, spread rumours etc), at least have the decency to admit you’ve been an idiot to yourself.

Some things are never meant to be; but those that are should be cherished.


Love Doesn’t Sit There, Like A Stone, It Has To Be Made, Like Bread: Re-made All The Time, Made New.

Love is ….

Love is... #72

forgiving even if you are really angry.


So I’ve had an odd weekend, I won’t bore you with details of work (although it was heinously busy!)

It’s now Sunday evening and I’ve finally synced up my external HDD to my laptop and iTunes.  I can finally listen to all my music, I’m currently listening to “Back to Bedlam” by James Blunt. Perhaps one of the most beautiful albums of the last 10 years (IMHO)

I am actually listening to the lyrics today as well, they are heartbreaking, poignant, eloquent, full of love and understanding and they got me thinking …

I wonder how many of us have thrown away something good, something special because of either our youth, idiocy, shortsightedness, arrogance or even because of our anger? I can easily put my hand up to this. Now’s not the time to explain as it’s not the focus of my post though …

I’ve had a couple of chats this weekend with four different friends, the topic for all of them was their relationship. Skirting around the issues so that these people don’t feel embarrassed or “singled out” what really gets my goat and angers me if the way that we seem to take our partners for granted and sometimes we don’t cherish them or treat them with the respect they deserve.

“We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, and hour, an afternoon. But that doesn’t diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives.”
– Unknown 

I don’t really know what the point of this post is, but I’m such a romantic at heart. I believe in soulmates, I believe in love, happiness and marriage.

I believe true love never dies, it changes, of course it does, true love is all consuming and powerful. It’s the moment you first kiss, the moment you cry together, the moment you make love and not just have sex.

It’s the holding of hands, the cuddling at night, the wiping away of tears and the comforting during the bad times.

It’s the laughing at each others bad jokes, it’s finishing each others sentences, it’s those little looks you give each other whilst secretly knowing what that other person is thinking.

It’s the sharing memories, it’s the sharing of experiences and it’s the opening up and sharing your fears, dreams and desires.

Over the years it may change, the all consuming sexual desire may fade slightly, but what have you gained? You’ve gained a best  friend, a rock, a person who knows everything about you and will always be there for you regardless of plans. They won’t cancel on you and if they do, you know it’s for the most legitimate of reasons. They know every inch of your body and they love you for YOU. You don’t have to pimp and preen yourself everyday to gain their attention – you already have it. They have your heart and your ear.

Respect is something we all take for granted and hope to show others, but sometimes, just sometimes, we hurt the ones we love the most by not showing them the respect that we would like to be shown ourselves.

If I could reach up and hold a star for every time you’ve made me smile, the entire evening sky would be in the palm of my hand.”
– Unknown